


Journal Entries of a Mildly Depressed High School Student

by Potteritis



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Bullying, Depression, Fiction, I don't tag well, Journal Entries, LGBTQ+ Phobia, Phobia, Real Life, Realistic, Rude behavior, Short, Short Story, Things that are natural, anything and everything - Freeform, dark themes, deep talks, entries, everyday things, just a place where i can rant freely, not quite non-fiction, realistic fiction, sensitive topics, talks of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-02-11 13:51:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12936642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Potteritis/pseuds/Potteritis
Summary: Journal Entries of a Mildly Depressed High School Student are short stories/journal entries of a mildly depressed high school student (duh) sensitive topics like depression, suicide, bullying, and of the like are frequently talked about, do keep that in mind.





	1. *Disclaimer * *EXTREME WARNING*

**Author's Note:**

> I would advise you to take caution while reading, some people may not be able to take the serious themes in here, that's ok. Come back when you're ready. It will still be here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just saying some really important need-to-know stuff

Hello,  
You can call me Potteritis. This is a huge warning. This is a nonfictional story about life. Maybe not mine, some of mine will be in here. However, everything is in fact okay. Everyone who is referenced in here is absolutely fine. This is going to walk a very fine line of deep depression and talk of suicide. I take no offence to you taking an automatic distaste to what is being written. You may leave and never return. That's okay, if that's not your cup of tea that is perfectly acceptable. This has talk of major sensitive topics like, depression, suicide, bullying, self-harm, phobias of any kind specifically LGBTQ+-phobia and of the like. This may also be very triggering/sensitive to some people, this is your only warning. These are very sensitive topics so do not take them lightly. If you have any questions don't be afraid to ask in the comment section below. This will seem like a very scattered story, it's supposed to, because they're journal entries, they have not plot or driving point. With that, I bid you all farewell, and to enjoy.  
Thanks for reading, and please stay safe,  
Potteritis

Journal Entries of a Mildly Depressed High School Student are short stories/journal entries of a mildly depressed high school student (duh) sensitive topics like depression, suicide, bullying, and of the like are frequently talked about, do keep that in mind.


	2. Journal Entry Number 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drowning and Suffocating 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Journal Entries of a Mildly Depressed High School Student are short stories/journal entries of a mildly depressed high school student (duh) sensitive topics like depression, suicide, bullying, and of the like are frequently talked about, do keep that in mind.

Drowning and Suffocating 

 

7:48 PM, Wednesday September 13, 2017 

 

        Have you ever felt like you're suffocating and can't breathe. All because of an argument that made you cry. Or that you're drowning and can do nothing.  Nothing to help yourself but continue to be pulled under even deeper than you started. That everyone's expectations of you, to be happy, to make jokes to laugh real loud, to keep the happy mask on even when the two whom you care about deeply do hurtful things. Even when it's night when no one is around, that you find that your walls that you built, the walls that are the only things keeping you safe from the outside world, crumbling. The walls that you need to have up 24/7 even though you shouldn't have to, and when they are gone, darkness will return with a vengeance. A vengeance so strong that you can't defeat on your own, but you have no one to turn to that will help you. The only two people that could possibly help you are either refusing to help you, or you only see them once a month. Feeling so helpless and alone that when you try to build those walls up again from the well of despair, that then end up breaking once again and forcing you to start all over again. Almost like building a foundation off of something that doesn't exist, or building a foundation on sand. Feeling like the only reason to smile is to keep those precious friends from knowing the truth, fearing that if you tell a soul of what has conspired in you that they will be disgusted or worried for your sake. The smile that's on your face, is only there because of the well placed mask that lies there. 

        Friends, your only ally in what is a cruel dark world, were very few lights break through the darkness. Though some lights do break through, but even those have their limits, and even then, there is a point where even the lights that are there are not enough to quell the raging darkness that surrounds your entire being. The lights that are there, only stay for a short period of time, even they succumb to the darkness that lurks in them. To help those little burnt out lights when you no longer have a little light to look to is difficult and challenging. Though you try to keep you lights heads above water before your own. It's like you and your light are in a pool just deep enough that one can keep their head above water, you having done that your whole life are a pro at it, but your little light is brand new. So you put the little light on your shoulders to keep their head above water, but in turn you sacrifice your own so they can move and carry on to be the little light that they were. However, the little lights you have always look upon you as the go to, not seeing that you can barely keep your own life together. The little lights are clueless to see and dismantle the walls you are eventually able to put up again, they either don't notice or don't try. Though to the little lights credit, it is hard to dismantle one's walls and masks when said walls and masks are all that they see, and never see the real you that lurks on the other side of those walls. What would they say? They'have never encountered someone who seems to have gone through so little, but has really gone through so much.

        It's so easy to pretend like nothing's wrong, to put on a smile and laugh real loud. Especially if you do it every day. It's so easy to put the walls you painstakingly created and to cower behind them. To pretend, that if only for a moment, everything's alright, but it's not. Refusing to harm yourself for reasons like 'oh it's not okay' and 'I would never be able to hide it well enough' is not okay by any standards. I refuse to harm myself because the mental pain is enough. Why physically harm yourself, when being mentally tortured, having insults thrown at your face, being yelled at for petty things does much more damage than physically harming yourself. The mental damage leaves no outward physical damage to you. It's all in your head. 

        Burning red eyes, plugged nose, heart returning to its normal beating state after being verbally ripped out, torn in half, chewed out, glued back together, and shoved back in. Deep breaths to remain from the sobs and the feeling of being chocked because you've cried so much. the inability to be medicated for your depression and problems because those who are supposed to know, don't. They are too, unable to tell the difference from a true smile and a true genuine smile. You do the same thing to everyone, put on a smile and laugh real loud. Fool the ones closest to you. Fool the little lights. Fool complete strangers. Fool everyone into thinking you're a perfectly fine individual that is perfectly normal and can conform to societies needs and wants. 

        This is what suffocation feels like. This is what drowning feels like. This is what, to some, depression feels like. 

END

9:55 PM, Wednesday September 13, 2017 

As I said before, heavy talk. 

Thank's for reading, if you have any questions feel free to ask,

Thanks again, and please stay safe,

Potteritis


	3. Journal Entry Number 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Types of Friends and Backstabbers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Journal Entries of a Mildly Depressed High School Student are short stories/journal entries of a mildly depressed high school student (duh) sensitive topics like depression, suicide, bullying, and of the like are frequently talked about, do keep that in mind.

Types of Friends and Backstabbers

 

9:18 PM, Thursday September 21, 2017

 

        Have you ever had that one friend, who, in the beginning you were amazing friends, inseparable? Closer than two people could possibly be. Friends like those are hard to come by, so hold them close. Hold them very close lest they slip through your fingers. Should they slip through your fingers, it will be the worst feeling in the world. To know that someone so close to you can so easily walk out of your life. They can be their for years on end, and then in a blink of an eye, turn away, back to your face and walk out the door. Let them walk out that door, and you will never see them again. It' easy to take good friends for granted. If you see them everyday, and go to school with them, you tend to take their presence for granted. It's something you don't really think about, you see a smiling face five days a week, six hours a day. A friendly smile can be a normal thing in your life. 

        Friends are interesting people. they can go into several different categories. One category is the 'Best Friend' category. These are your actual best friends that will actually stay with you, as long as you do the same for them. Friendship is very much like a two way street, one cannot accept friendship without offering the same in return. The are one of the most loyal friends you will ever have. keep these friends closer than even your enemies. You next category of friends are the 'basic friends'. These friends are nothing special. Now these people may be really great and nice but, in nothing special, it simply means you are slightly beyond acquaintances, but no farther. You say hi to each other in the hallway, but don't go out of your way to have a conversation. If your in class and you see a basic friend you'll go sit with them unless there is someone you know better, or someone you want to get close to. Let's be real, it happens, you don't want to think on it too much because it will make you feel bad. But let's be honest, you've done this before, you've given a person you know the 'basic friend' treatment. There is nothing bad with it, it just means you don't know them well, perhaps this could be something to strive for in the future, to be better friends. 

        There are two more categories, one of the categories are 'the confident friend.' This can correlate well with the 'best friend' category, often times they are one in the same. However, sometimes they are not, that's fine. there's nothing wrong with that. The more the merrier. This type of friend is as it sounds, this is the friend you go to when you have problems in your life. This is the person to go to when you feel like you have no one else, but you still have the need to talk to someone on said problem, not because it's anything earth-shattering or anything, but you feel it's too important to keep to yourself, but you have no one to trust. They hold all your secrets, the deep, dark ones that you want no one to see. That's why you tell this person, this person will take what you say to the grave unless permission to share with anyone is granted. However these people are a double edge sword. Thy are amazing, anyone willing, or appears to be listening, to your problems are worth keeping, however, while they do keep all your secrets and will take them to your grave, be wary of what you say to them. While you know they mean no harm to you or anyone else, should they feel like you are in any sort of trouble they will go for help and bring another into the mix. While this isn't a bad thing, it's actually a great thing to have in a friend, you should be happy to have that kind of friend looking out for you. It does tend to get you into some pretty awkward situations that would have been prevented if you'd have kept your mouth shut. However, what's done is done. The past cannot be reversed. Strive for a better future. 

        The last category of friends are what you call the 'backstabbing witches', as the name suggests, these are the backstabbers that are very very friendly towards you in the beginning. Without a care in the world, they treat you like you're their best friend. Textbook definition of a backstabber/backstabbing is "the action or practice of criticizing someone in a treacherous manor while feigning friendship." These types of people are exactly like the definition. You are like best friends only a step below, you never quite made it to the 'best friend' category on the food chain, they, for some reason, feel the need to be all buddy buddy with you. You pay no mind if you're ignorant and blind to it, maybe you see a little difference in how they talk to you/approach you, but you pay no mind thinking it's simply a bad day for them. If you've had a 'backstabbing witch' as a friend you know exactly what happens. They start out with a normal joke, joke that hits a little too close to home, be it about body image, the food you're currently eating, the manga book you're reading or holding in your hand, the anime you were just raving about, the acne on your face, the cloths you wear, you height, your race, and to go along with the last one, your eyes. Now everyone knows that there are some jokes that are distasteful. Totally wrong joke at the wrong time, or a joke that was so far beyond the boundary that you can no longer see the boundary line. The joke just went 'woosh'  it went from your 'bw' (backstabbing witch) all the way over the boundary line and hit you right in the heart. The very thing they joke about is the very thing you're self conscious about. 

        The joke your 'bw' just made was about your face. Your face, while you admit is nothing special, does look a bit worse than usual. your usual face routine has stopped working for a couple of weeks now. Thus zits and pimples have started to appear. Your 'beloved friend' has oh so kindly pointed out the fact that your face not only looks like pepperoni pizza, but they comment on the bags under your eyes. You haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately, you've been stressed to the max, doing the old college search, getting mildly decent grades, keeping up appearances with your actual-not-terrible-friends, and on top of all of that working your butt off so you can not only get accepted into a nice college, but being able to pay for said college without being hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.

        Your true friends try to handle the situation the best they can, but they can only do so much. The next day, the same 'friend' makes a comment, this time about something different, but the with uses the same wording you had already used the day before, while the friend twisted the wording around a little bit, you can clearly see the implications behind your now twisted words. That day you so happen to have popcorn, unfortunately, it may have gone a bit stale without you knowing it. While going over to help another friend, one of your better friends decided to take a little bit of your popcorn without asking. Okay that's fine, they should've asked, but it was a small mistake, one that should not have been made, but a small mistake and overlook on their point, it won't happen again. Your 'bw' opens her mouth to speak, in that moment everything went silent, and the words "so, are you self-conscious about your popcorn being stale too?" ringing in your head, going back and forth, reminding you of yesterday and of what you said, "You know i'm self-conscious about my acne, so don't make jokes of it!!!" swirl around your head. Those words that you spoke yesterday, are being tainted by her villainous tongue. Words are thrown, very unkind words, words that should never have been thrown around, at least they shouldn't have been thrown to what should have been a 'best friend' 

        In the end you lost what could have been a really good friend, and while in the beginning you only wanted an apology for the joke. You don't know if an apology will do this fight justice anymore. You don't think an apology will quell the depression that is clawing at the back of your head, the depression that you were able to quell for a while, now is brought back clawing at the back of your mind in full force. You end up going to a dermatologist to try and get stronger meds to fix your face. You manage to but at what cost, both the medications cost a fortune, plus all the other medications you have to take. Gratefully you don't have to pay for any of this and you can afford to get them all. In the end it's very easy to say 'it was just a joke' and 'don't take it so seriously', but you've been through so  much bullying before you really can't take it anymore. It's easy to leave with a phrase saying 'words hurt' and stuff like that, but let's be honest, everybody knows it, so why bother. You know people will see it and brush it of like it's nothing, and it means nothing. 

So really, what's the point? It will happen whether I say something or not, so what's the point?

END

 

10:55 PM, Thursday September 21, 2017

 

Guys we need to talk, when I say/write 'backstabbing witch' I mean it literally. The story you read is in fact a true story, well it's all a true story, but this was almost like a medley of all y experience with bullying/comments/jokes about my face, now, I know I am not the prettiest by a long shot, but no one deserves to not only be backstabbed by someone you call a friend, and no one deserves to be made fun of, ever. There is no one in this world that deserves to be made fun of, tone made a joke to other people, all because someone wanted to be funny. I get it, if your close enough you can make jabs at them, but know that there are boundaries to every person, whether they say it or not. Please be mindful of what you say to people even if they're your friend.

Thanks for reading,

If you have any questions, leave them in the comment section or shoot me a message,

Thanks again. 

Please Stay Safe (PSS) 

Potteritis


	4. Journal Entry Number 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This Is My Letter To Those That Wish To Cut Me Down...

This Is My Letter To Those That Wish To Cut Me Down...

"Forgive me, this one will be a bit more personal then the others. No specific names or anything, but if I accidentally use your name as a fake name, I mean not to insult you. I was merely trying to keep the true identities a secret."

 

12:20 PM, Saturday January 27, 2018

 

        To those who wish to cut me down, to this I say Fuck You. You said to me, "Don't cut yourself down, the rest of the word is waiting, and willing, to do that for you." I thought you'd stay by me, but apparently I was wrong. Someone who I should have been able to trust, you, the person I spend most of my time with, became the rest of the world. To know, that you, the person who is most dear to my heart, would become like the rest of the world. I know the rest of the world is waiting for me out in the wings of the stage of life, but I never thought you would be one of those waiting to step out and cut me. I trusted you, but perhaps I shouldn't have. Maybe that was my mistake. One I will not make again. You were the person to see me at my worst, you also saw me at my very best. So why now, why now are you crossing the stage with your knife to cut me deeper than anyone else has. So, for my health, I will do what's best for me. I will cut you out of my life. I will not listen to the fact that you stand with the rest. You've made your choice, now it's time for mine.

        To the world that wants to cut me down, I will not bend to your will of hatred. I know there are a lot of people who want to see me fail. I know there are people that don't like me because of the color of my skin is a few shades darker than their's. I know people that don't like me because of me humor. I know there are people that don't like me because of my weight. But I will not bow to their will, I will become my own person. I will not change my ways to fit society, I am my own person, not some piece of clay to mold and paint to fit your own desires and plans. I will be successful, no matter how many times you say 'I can't.' I. Will. SUCCEED!

        To those that wish I change myself, I can't and I won't. I won't force myself to become someone you want me to be. I am my own person, not a blank canvas for YOU. The canvas is blank for ME. I will be the one to out color on my canvas, to make that canvas colorful is my job. My life is my own, not yours. I am my own entity with a style and imagination of my own, and damn it, I will use it till I no longer can. I only have one chance at life, I will use that one chance. I was given a chance, that some of my people weren't able to get. I won't waste that chance by listening to others to change myself into that THEY want me to be. I can't, and won't allow myself to do that. If that means you decide to cut me down further, I will get stronger, and then, you won't be able to touch me. 

        To those who wish to make fun of me because I look different then you, go ahead, just TRY, I am proud of my heritage, while it's heritage I am unfamiliar with, I am proud none the less. I am what they call lucky, I was chosen amongst thousands of other babies. I was taken a chance on. I was given the chance of a life time, I won't waste it by dwelling on what you say, because YOU think I shouldn't be here. Yes my skin is different, the shape of my eyes, my height, my hair, may be different, but I'm proud of what I have. I'm glad my skin is different, the shape of my eyes, my height, my hair, I'm proud that all these things are different from you who think its fun to make fun of someone whose different from you. It's interesting, really it is, I've heard that your outward appearance reflects you personality. 

        To those who wish to make fun of me because I'm adopted, I have a huge problem with you. Really you make fun of someone who is adopted, because there parents aren't their 'real' parents?! Bullshit, that is absolute bullshit. Just because I am not related by blood to my parents, they are my 'real' parents. I have never met my birth parents,  and if they're alive, I hope you gave me up because you thought it would be best for me. Even if they game me up because they didn't want me, I will say thank you to them, they gave me up yes, but they gave me a new life. Even if they had no intention to, they gave me a better future. For that, I can do nothing but thank them. To those that make fun of me, that's okay, if it makes you feel superior to me because you have blood relations with your parents thats okay. It's okay if YOU think my adopted parents aren't me 'real' parents, because it's not your choice. it's mine. I decide on who my 'real' parents are, I've already made my choice, and it will never be changed by your thoughts. If I happen to meet my birth parents down the road, I will greet them with open arms. They will have a special place in my heart, but my 'real' parents are the ones that I have here.

To Those That Wish To Cut Me Down.... Try, Just Try, I Will, Succeed In Life, Just Try And Stop Me!

 

END

 

1:17 PM Saturday January 27 2018

 

Thanks for reading,

If you have any questions, leave them in the comment section or shoot me a message.

Sorry again that this was more personal then the others, this one was just kinda burning in me for a while. It just kinda needed to get out.

Thanks again. 

Please Stay Safe (PSS) 

Potteritis


End file.
